The Conception of a Dog

Ok, so I've decided to get a dog. Hopefully, it's a right, good and conscious decision on my part since it is a difficult and long term commitment, but I guess I won't know till I get him -- which is kind of dangerous in some respects, eh? Well I'm not really one to give up or abandon the ones I love, so we'll see.

I suppose I should share why it hit me to get a pooch and let you judge me as if you wouldn't anyway. I'm going to be brutally honest because I really have no reason to lie and even if you don't like my reason, you can't do anything about it anyway. =P

2007 has been a good and bad year for me all the like. It was the year that I broke another record for my earnings, which is always good career wise. On the same token, it was also the year that I realized that there is a lot more to life than work... and when you're self employed like me, that's sometimes a very nasty realization to come across, since you're the only one kicking your own butt to work. I wouldn't say that I took some time off, but I haven't been at the same level that defined and characterized my success for the past couple of years. Albeit, when your car breaks down and you realize you have no one to call because you haven't maintained any relationships with anyone or you get the feeling that if you accidentally slipped and fell at home and got knocked unconscious, no one would probably discover you for a least a few days, you quickly realize that it's time for a change.

So change I did. I stopped the insanity of 14+ hour work days and tried to learn how to say no. That's not an easy feat for me since I'm in the service business and it's in my nature to put others in front of me. I started going out more, I rekindled long lost friendships and started new, hopefully long lasting friendships. I weaved, repaired and possibly fabricated relationships so tight that I thought they were unbreakable, but that of course is just silly to think.

I once loved Christmas day, but now I hate it. With two break-ups on the ol' 12-25 under my belt, many heartbreaks, broken promises, unmet expectations and countless harsh revelations of how alone I am in the world sometimes is more than enough to turn this Santa lover into a Grinch. The emotional engulfment is enough to kill me and it usually does.

If you knew me, you'd probably describe me as a socialite who is constantly surrounded by people... then how is it that I'm lonely? Well, I've actually discovered that people like me are usually the ones who are the loneliest of them all - maybe it's because we're no good at keeping relationships or maybe it's just a need for constant attention? I'm not sure which it is for me but I do know that I'm getting at my wits end with being disappointed by people and the things they do. As I get older, it's getting harder for me to stomach getting hurt and beat up in my search for love - whether it be from friends, family or myself. At the same time, I realize that I'm not in this world alone and I should not try to function as such... although that's my first instinct.

I sometimes think that I'm too naive for my own good and that I should be a lot more jaded than I am. I should be damaged by all the painful relationships and life itself, but I still find myself emotionally and physically investing all of me in all of my close encounters and endeavors. I've never left a relationship believing that I haven't given it my all and the worst part is I end up losing pieces of me. The problem is that we're people and people will be people.

Hence a dog.

I've got love to give and I'm looking for unconditional love in return... I'm looking for a co-dependent relationship that gives me reason to come home happy... and I have more faith in a dog than I do in people. As selfish, wrong and as sad as it may be, that's the story.

Wheeee... I'm excited!